Less of Sunshine

I still think about you everyday and I DON’T WANT TO! I don’t know why you became such a...

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 21:28:29 -0400

I still think about you everyday and I DON’T WANT TO! I don’t know why you became such a central figure in my life, why every thought has to roam around you. But they do and I hate it. I sit here and try to decide why you were OK in my eyes when I see un-perfection in every single other guy in the world. In truth I can’t figure out why I liked you or why you got away with soo many things which would make any other guy completely disgusting in my book. I can’t find one single quality about you that makes you exempt from all the other rules… but you are…. Shit I hate what you made me. I hate what you showed me about myself. If I ever have to watch my life I will spend the section that shows the past seven months throwing up in disgust over myself and who you showed me I am.

I’m trying to remake myself, I’m trying to find me again, not the angry hurt me, but the happy me. I miss her so freaking much and she’s gone and I know its because of you. Because she let herself trust someone. You even told me flat out that I shouldn’t trust you, and I did. There is no part in this story where I could even make you the bad guy, you played your cards so well… I guess what I’m trying to say, what I want to say is I miss me.

I was so happy, so full of life and I let you be the vessel in which I hurt myself. Did I think having someone to sleep next to every night would make me hate myself less, did I think it would make me feel safe with myself again? What the hell was I thinking? All I know is that I ended up more hurt. I hate myself even more now. I used to live life on a steady neutral plane, now I swing down, and plunge and barely bring myself back up to neutral…

I can never have children. Whether I’m relieved or emotionally destroyed by this is beyond me. I mean I can physically have children but I never will. I refuse to bring a child into this world when they have a 50% chance of ending up like me. How my parents stood by and listened to me cry, watched me hit myself, degrade myself into the ground, how my mom bandaged me up after I sliced my skin down to the fat, how they did all that I will never know. I can’t bring a child into this world knowing they have a chance to be like me.

I don’t know how I feel about my dad anymore. I love him, that I know for sure. But beyond that I don’t know. Did he know he was depressed when he had me? Did he know what he was bringing into this world? Was it worth the risk? Why couldn’t he tell me, why didn’t he tell me till I was only holding onto this earth one cut at a time.

Any way, past aside, I feel better now

"The moon lives in the lining of your skin."

Sun, 26 Aug 2012 15:31:18 -0400

“The moon lives in the lining of your skin.”

- Pablo Neruda (via loveyourchaos)

blogsecret: Today at school, I barely even thought about you. I didn’t have the urge to run into...

Sun, 26 Aug 2012 15:15:51 -0400

blogsecret:

Today at school, I barely even thought about you. I didn’t have the urge to run into your arms as soon as I saw you. I didn’t feel like I had to do something (anything) to get your attention. So, why am I sitting here desperately praying that you’ll respond to my text?